Unbelievably, J was able to be home with me for a full 4 months after D was born. He only just started going back to work, and hence it’s only recently that I’ve been able to experience the full reality of being a SAHM to two kiddos. In many ways, life is what I always imagined it would be. Lots of running errands together and putting one kid down for a nap while playing with the other. It’s exhausting but rewarding … and it’s honestly what I’d always wanted when J & I first decided to start having kids. The only difference is that in my fantasized life with kids, I didn’t have one kid with developmental delays. Chaperoned therapy sessions were definitely not on my list of things-to-someday-do-with-future-children. Neither was fielding temper tantrums from a verbally delayed 3-yr old. Tantrums? Yes. Not being to communicate with or be understood by the tantrum giver? No.
I’m sure I’m romanticizing it way more than it deserves, but being a former preschool teacher, I’d always looked forward to the age when my kids could interact with me. E & I play together but it’s not what I pictured life would be like when I first got pregnant with her. There are moments throughout my day when I find myself a little bit sad because of what “could” (or “should”??) be. Sometimes I just have one-sided conversations with her because my mommy heart longs so much to know what’s going on in that little mind of hers.
Me: Hey there, pretty girl. How was school today? What did you learn?
Me: I missed you today, were your teachers nice?
Me: Oh, baby D is crying! Do you want to go over and tell him it’s ok?
And so on and so forth. You get the idea. If I’m not careful, I can let the sense of loss over what my child isn’t overwhelm me. I don’t need to tell you that it’s a dangerous path to start down. E is just the way God designed her to be, and she’s right where He wants her to be. One thing that has been helping me when the “if-onlys” get too much is to remember: no matter if E ever learns to talk on this side of eternity, one day in Heaven she WILL be perfected. When I think about that, I picture us someday in Paradise together and conversing about all the things we couldn’t while we were here. It gives me such hope to
think know that she WILL talk to me one day, just maybe not here and now. Any heartache felt in this lifetime is redeemed once we’re in Heaven. And because of that, I’m so thankful for the assurance that faith gives; to know that the pain and sadness and brokenness that haunts us here is only temporary and will ALL eventually be replaced with joy and laughter.